yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
