So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
