I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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