The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize
