I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
