"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
