mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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