We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
