Your face is a jimmy john
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize