My hand turned me down
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
