Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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