I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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