I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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