Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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