i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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