i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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