I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
