You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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