So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
