Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
