I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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