my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
