i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
