you guys were way drunker than both of me
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
