Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
