That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
