I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
