You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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