you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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