I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
