I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
