I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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