Duck Duck Cougar?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
