I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize