He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
What a dumb baby whore.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
