I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize