I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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