So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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