The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
