Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
