god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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