i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
