it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
