Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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