his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
it's like iHOP with fire
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
