In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
