A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
