do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
