did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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