There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
if only i could text you this smell
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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