At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
birth control should be required to get into college
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
