he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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