Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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