then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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