My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
