She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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