Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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