Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize